


On the Tip of the Tongue

by AmazonDjinn



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angsty Kaidan, F/M, Pre ME2, Sexy Times, post ME1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-10
Updated: 2015-01-10
Packaged: 2018-03-06 22:59:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3151532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmazonDjinn/pseuds/AmazonDjinn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan does what he can to stop remembering Shepard, though the idea seems impossible. When he finally attempts to rebuild some semblance of a normal life, one kiss brings it crashing down around him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On the Tip of the Tongue

**Author's Note:**

> Cannon-adjacent. Took more than a few liberties while expanding the time he spent with that doctor from the Citadel he mentions in his letter to FemShep after Horizon.

The first time, neither one of them said a word: it was hurried, messy, and quiet. A blow job in a bathroom stall at Afterlife isn't something he ever thought he'd accept, but there they were. He wanted to push her away, but when she looked up, he was struck by her green eyes. That was all it took. She must have known it because she didn't look away. The color wasn't quite the same; the ones he was familiar with were piercing and bright. But this was the closest he'd seen since... Well, in a long time.

A few weeks passed before they saw each other again, this time at Apollo's Cafe. He noticed she had the same haircut as... He pushed the thought away because to even think her name was to invite pain. They ate and drank, and drank, and drank. Eventually they stumbled up to her Presidium apartment.

She tried to kiss him, but he spun her, pressing himself against her back. He couldn't -- He hadn't kissed another woman after... He tucked his head into the crook of her neck as he reached around and unbuttoned her pants. He pushed her against the wall, eliciting a grunt followed by a pleasure moan. She was warm and wet, but her scent was nothing like... He focused on her hair instead. It was the same cut and a red that could have been her shade but he wasn't sure. The hair was enough to go on. He took her from behind in the foyer; and when he was done, left without protest.

A month later, he saw her at Huerta Memorial: Turns out, she was a doctor. Later that evening, he found himself back at her place. They actually made it to the bedroom this time. He lay prone on his back and watched as she rode him gracefully. Her skin was perfect. Nary a mole or scar, not even a stretch mark. To a casual observer, they'd have said they were the same creamy brown, but he knew better. Her skin was just a shade too light. 

He ran his fingers over her unmarred skin and wondered if it had any stories to tell. Surely none as interesting as what he’d been told on the Normandy. That was the first time she’d come first.

The last time he’d seen the doc it was because he sought her out. He found her at the hospital on yet another Alliance sanctioned trip to the Citadel. They went to the Noodle House on the Silversun Strip. The place was just popular enough to be crowded, but not uncomfortably so. They chatted about everything but their professions and he even laughed – genuinely laughed – a few times. 

However, the biggest difference was that neither of them was drinking. For the first time, they had a real, non-chemical induced, connection. Even better, he enjoyed her company.

He’d sprung for a room at the casino on the strip, where they quickly found themselves after a fulfilling dinner. There they stood, in the middle of the room, slowly and deliberately taking off each other’s clothes.

As they moved toward the bed, she tripped one of his discarded shoes. He caught her, but as he brought her upright, she caught him by surprise with a kiss.

He was immediately transported back to his CO’s cabin on the Normandy. Suddenly, she felt tangible in his arms. The deeper he fell into the kiss, the harder it was to pull himself back to reality. They fell clumsily onto the bed, but there was only a brief pause before their lips met again.

Despite being tangled in the same bed sheets, they were light years apart. He couldn’t open his eyes for fear that in so doing, he’d lose his CO all over again. Each thrust felt like he was bringing her back to life; each grunt and groan breathing life into thoughts he could no longer bear thinking. He was so lost in the memory of what once was that he hadn’t even noticed her name fell from his lips as he finished inside her. 

An omni-tool ping interrupted their panting. He rolled off of the woman beneath him to search for the source of the sound while she sat up and watched him. He retrieved the device from his pile of rumpled clothing and read a message.

\---------------  
 _Classified – Priority Alpha_

_Immediate departure to Horizon required. Connection to missing colonists possible. Cerberus presence imminent. Reassigned to the SSV Bogota, scheduled shove off 04:00 local._

_Acknowledge._  
\---------------

His shoulders dropped at the mention of Cerberus. There had been rumors; rumors that…

“Who is Jane?” her questioned interrupted his thoughts.

Kaidan turned just enough to see her from his periphery. Her name had taken up permanent residence on the tip of his tongue for nearly two years. Just when he thought he'd finally been able to move on, he sees that he's ruined any chance he had with this woman. As an unbearable silence settles between them, he finally answers, “A ghost.”


End file.
